Convert Your Car into a Funmobile!

Recently, my daughter Emma twisted her knee while skiing. The MRI was proof that I was going to be her chauffeur for the next few weeks, since my wife was laboring as an art educator at another school.  That left me with two choices: I could whine or I could have fun.  After drying my tears and consuming a double-chocolate fudge muffin, I felt strong enough to opt for the fun.  So I told Emma that I would be happy to take her friends and her to school each day in my Funmobile.

Since the days when my children were sucking pacifiers, I’ve referred to my car as the Funmobile.  Of the two cars we own, the Funmobile is always the vehicle of choice.  Why?  Because it’s fun!  Here are three simple steps you can take to convert your car to a Funmobile at no cost in time or money whatsoever.

1. Call it a Funmobile (or something similar)

Shakespeare was dead wrong when he said, “A car if called by any other name would still smell greasy” (or words to that effect).  Just calling your car a Funmobile transforms it into a marvelous work and a wonder, and without any additional detailing.  In fact, a dirty car can be more fun than a clean car because you can write cool stuff on the back windshield like “Dad, you’re okay, but I love the Funmobile.”  Did you catch the attitude from that last statement about a dirty car?  That leads me to #2.

2. Exude positive energy

Get excited!  Be positive and enthusiastic.  Everything is fun.  “Only those who wanna have fun can ride in the Funmobile!”  Enthusiasm is infectious and once it starts spreading it’s hard to stop.  In one trip to school, Emma and her friends played “Corners.”  When I made a turn everyone would shift wildly to the side, crash into each other, and shriek at well over 85 decibels. I ask, in all honesty, What can be funner [sic] than that?  I’ll tell you what….

As word spread that the Funmobile existed, more kids showed up for rides (with parental permission).  One time, there were nine kids in my little four-seater. I told them to make sure they were all buckled in some way. I stated, while driving at 20 miles per hour, “We want to be safe. Otherwise, if we get into a crash, we’ll look like a can of Spaghettios.” Three passengers began singing, “Oh, oh, Spaghettios.”

When I stopped in front of the school, the Principal happened to be out front. Nine kids stepped out of my jocular jalopy one at a time like some kind of circus act.  The Principal was astounded.  I rolled down my window and said, “If you promise not to tell the cops, I’ll donate to the PTA.”  You see, everything is positive when you drive a Funmobile.  (Below is a photo of a re-enactment of the “circus act.”)

3. Look for fun opportunities

One of my favorites is to find secret routes.  One time, one of my passengers had to pick up something at Walmart.  Afterwards, I said, “Should we take the secret route?”  Well, duh!  So I drove around the back of Walmart past the loading docks. Everyone was delighted.

A word of caution: Don’t let things get out of hand or unsafe.  One time, some of my passengers rolled down their windows with the intent of hanging out.  I rolled the windows back up.  Safety is more important than fun; but even being safe is fun when you’re cruising in the Funmobile.  Keep living!

3 Keys to Failing As a Writer

NOTE: Although written for writers, this piece applies to any worthwhile life objective.

If you’re going to fail as a writer, then you might as well get it over with now.  Then you can focus on your day job and watch television all night.  The following 3 keys are guaranteed to unlock the door to instant failure and free you to flop like a floundering fish on the cold floor of life.

1. Just say no

Why didn’t you think of this before?  Stop writing.  It’s as simple as that.  Firmly inform your laptop that you're done.  

Wait for huge blocks of time to open up, and refuse to write until they do.  Now that’s commitment!  Don’t touch that keyboard until your Muse flies down from Mount Parnassus to reveal the 101 master plots.  Failure comes to those who wait. 

And don’t listen to barkers like that Trottier fellow who tells you to make realistic writing goals and make time to achieve them.  “Writing is its own reward,” he says.  What kind of bull crap is that?  Remember, success comes one day at a time, but failure is an all-or-nothing deal.  You can have it right now by not acting right now.  Insist on your story unfolding immediately to you at this instant, or find relief with a TV remote.  With any luck, you’ll be asleep before those pesky desires to reach your God-given potential begin to bother you.

2. Listen to those voices

You know which ones.  “You’ll never amount to anything,” and “This is the biggest waste of time since Dole ran for president.”  And don’t forget to repeat this next one ten times before you fall asleep each night: “I’ll never be Hemingway.”  And you never will!  Affirm that.  Of course, Hemingway will never be you, but that’s beside the point.  Face your fears and back off. 

When you are tempted to write, seize this thought: “My work is worthless until it is absolutely perfect, and since it can’t ever be perfect, I am the most wretched creature to ever pick up a pencil.  My writing is an embarrassment to the free world.”  Pay no attention to those who talk about developing your craft or listening to Joseph Conrad’s “inner voice that knows.”  What inner voice?  That’s just the result of a half digested Whopper rotting in your gut.  “Have it your way” and take a nap from the joy of creation.

3. Submit your work prematurely

How can you possibly know when your script or manuscript is ready to be submitted to a potential buyer?  It’s never ready.  Send that unfinished work out now so that it will be rejected, proving that “those voices” mentioned earlier are right on the mark.  Why waste time striving for excellence when you can fail with grace, knowing full well that it wasn’t your best work that was rejected anyway. 

And don’t waste time with a marketing plan or research.  Just find some names in a directory or book and mail off some half-baked query letters.  The rejection slips will give you the perfect excuse to end the writing madness once and for all.  Remember, the road to Heaven is paved with a helluva lot of effort.  You don’t need the pain.

Most importantly, cloud your mind and medicate.  Here, have a beer…and some donut holes.  Don’t you feel better with writing out of your life?  Now, shuffle up to that big plasma TV and sit down.  There, there; everything is going to be just fine.  Soon you’ll be unconscious.  Nighty night.

What!  Can’t sleep?  Well then maybe you should keep writing...and keep living. :-)

I Am Your Spam Filter

Today, I received two intriguing spams.  I’m not talking about ready-to-eat meats, but ready-to-read emails. It seems I get several servings of spam daily, and I’d like to change my diet.  Assuming you’d like to change yours as well, I offer myself as your handy-dandy spam filter for the two that caught my attention today.

1. Live for today

“Life is short. Have an affair.”  This email came complete with an alluring photo.  The message only makes sense to me if my moral compass has gone south or I haven’t developed a meaningful relationship with my wife. Here is my filtered version: 

Life is short. Express your love to your spouse today with words, a note, or a bowl of ice cream. Reverse your buts; for example, rather than, “I love you, but picking your nose is annoying,” think positively (and lovingly): ”Picking your nose is annoying, but I love you.”  Deepen the relationship; that gives life more meaning.

 2. Live for yourself

“Do something for yourself today.”  This one sounds perfectly okay.  And it is!  Yesterday, I dined at In-and-Out Burger®, and I did it just for me.  Hurrah for me!  I think there’s nothing wrong with doing something for myself as long as that is not my entire focus.  As your new spam filter, I’d like to give this idea another dimension. Here is my filtered version:

Do something for someone else today. That will expand your soul and open your heart, and that’s the same as doing something for yourself. And keep living!

The “Reverse your buts” idea was stolen from a talk I heard by John Bytheway.

My Incredibly Easy and 100% Guaranteed Weight Loss and Health Plan

WARNING!  Known side effects of this plan’s implementation include a skyrocketing increase in your exuberance quotient that may result in passionate joy levels that exceed what is socially acceptable in polite company or even a rock concert.

Three steps to body peace

Yes, now you can pulverize your potbelly and enhance your health by following my 3-point crazy-simple plan based on moderation and horse sense.  This is not a multi-level marketing plan or any other religion. Most incredibly, it’s free!  All other plans and products created since the beginning of time to the present day will fail you because they do not include the one vital ingredient that will ensure your success—a lifestyle change. 

This is not a quick fix, but the only plan in the known universe that actually works and provides amazing, Nirvanic results. I have tested it on myself during the last several months and you can see from the photo below that the results have been outstanding.

Okay, okay, the photo is a dramatization, but even so, I feel like I wanna keep living. And I’ll bet you do, too, so let’s get started!

1. Keep tip-top with Trottier

The one single thing that will improve your immune system, increase your energy, and build your stamina is exercise…

-- Get back here and read the rest of this!  Don’t you dare walk away just because I used the E-word.  Now sit down and read –

…and, yes, exercise builds your energy levels; it just doesn’t feel like it when you’re on that treadmill. Studies show that exercise, more than anything else, pumps up your health and elongates your longevity. 

Ideally, you should put in an hour a day about 4-5 days a week.  But that’s not realistic, is it?  So commit to something you can do instead of whining about what you can’t do.  My minimum plan is 20 minutes aerobic and 20 minutes weight bearing 3 times a week.  Experts say, “Ya gotta go for at least 20 minutes.”  Even if walking is your exercise of choice, that’s better than sitting on your blubbery buns popping bon bons.

2. Eat like a pig, not like a hog

Studies show that pigs, unlike hogs, don’t eat as much as humans think they do.  In addition, pigs don’t smoke or do drugs, don’t consume alcohol, and seldom drink soda pop.  If you can’t give up the alcohol, just drink a glass a week to dissolve the carbon from the valves. As to soft drinks, even the diet stuff is not very good for you, plus it can make you burp.  I try to limit myself to a root beer or Dr. Pepper once in a while when it’s offered to me. The key to 6-pack abs is to get rid of the 6-packs. 

Choose fish and chicken over red meat on occasion.  Sugar is the back-stabbing Delilah of good health, so cut back.  Fruits and vegetables can be consumed in unlimited quantities without fear of producing tree trunk thighs.  Just reduce the amount of salad dressing and sauces and you’ll also reduce your pork belly. This Reduction Principle that I invented applies to most every food. 

For example, I am on a low-salt diet, but I allow myself a piece of bacon about an inch in length with my eggs.  By the way, keep the salt shaker in the cupboard or cut your perfunctory sprinklings in half. Don’t eat after dinner. And face the truth—a restaurant serving is really two servings. Ask for the doggy bag or do extra duty in the dojo.

The bottom line?  Reduce the amount you currently drink and eat.  Do what is sensible for you.  Don’t overdo the deprivation of delectable delights you normally devour; just reduce the quantity of delights you devour, and then devour them more deliberately.  Remember, this is a lifestyle change. 

If you’ve been particularly purposeful, reward yourself with some ice cream, but only half a dish.  Get it? And add some fruit to it and you have the Reduction Principle in full regalia.

3. A positive attitude brings body peace

Shun elevators. Take the stairs. Walk whenever you can and love it. The “love” part is the positive attitude part. Be active. Visualize all the good you are doing to your body with each bite of that wild Alaskan salmon and modest salad. 

Say to yourself, “I stand and stretch on the threshold of a new healthy lifestyle and sublime body peace!” So drink water. And most importantly, keep living!

Photo by musclebuilding-diet.com

A Pinewood Derby Miracle

I had never been exposed to a Pinewood Derby as a child, and now my son Alex stood before me with a small block of wood in his hand.  “Here, Dad,” he said, “You’re supposed to help me make a fast and fabulous race car. 

Crafting a fast and fabulous race car

Wikipedia offered little help on the design, but after a session with my scout leader brother and following Alex’s simple design, Alex (with his uncle’s help) created a simple blocky race car.  He then sanded it in thirty seconds and painted it in ten; it wasn’t pretty, but it was done.  I put on the wheels, which obscured the car number Alex had stuck to the sides, and we were off to our very first Pinewood Derby. 

The weigh-in crisis

The car only weighed 3.2 ounces on the official Derby scales. How strange!  It had weighed the required 5 ounces at the local grocery store’s produce scales.  I’ve wondered since if I’d been paying too much for bananas and lettuce. The Derby lady suggested confidentially that I add some additional weight to the car. What was I going to use for weight?  The Wikipedia article said nothing about that.  I didn’t have any coins in my pocket.  What was I going to do?  And then it dawned on me.

We were in the local Mormon church building and I had the keys to the clerk’s office.  Maybe I could scrounge up something there.  I stealthily slipped in and snooped around until I discovered some old discarded keys.  I hurried back and glued three of them onto the car. (See photo below.) “That’s 4.9 ounces,” the Derby lady declared. 

The horrific pre-race festivities

Satisfied, Alex placed the car on the table with the other 20 cars, and I gazed in shock at the display before me.  The other 20 cars looked like expensive store-bought models—sleek, smooth, and cherry.  And none of them used keys for weights.  In the middle was Alex’s awkwardly painted clunker with the old church keys glued on top.  Obviously, I was out of the loop; was there a Derby car black market out there I didn’t know about?

Before the first heat, the judges awarded Alex the Funniest Car Award, which I think hurt his feelings because he wasn’t trying to be funny.  I worried about what might happen if Alex’s car fell apart on the track or some other disastrous event occurred. 

When it was Alex’s turn to race, the uniformed Derby dude looked at Alex’s car and his mouth dropped—was this a race car or a dump truck?  He stared at it for a full three seconds.   Finally, he shook his head dismissively and placed it in on the track.  I held my breath, praying the wheels would stay on.

The great and amazing race

The Derby dude released the vehicles.  In an instant, moments with Alex flashed through my mind. Was this Judgment Day?  Suddenly, I was back to reality—the race was on. 

Alex’s car actually stayed on the track, and it wasn’t going slow. In fact, it won the heat!  And suddenly everyone was cheering for Alex.  One of the other cub scouts said, “I thought for sure you’d come in last.  Way to go, Alex!”  It was a miracle. I reflected on the old saying “God watches out for drunks and idiots,” and since I don’t drink, well…. 

Alex took his automotive marvel back up to the Derby dude for the second race, and he gave it another three seconds of scrutiny.  Apparently, it looked legal to him because he placed it back on the track.  Zip!  Alex won again! 

Disaster on the track

In the third heat, tragedy struck.  Alex’s car took second place, and two keys were violently ejected after the car crossed the finish line, rolled over, and crashed into the pit. Quickly, we gathered up the keys and glued them back onto the car and checked the wheels for damage.  We were still good, and no one was injured.

By this time, the other fathers were taking a measure of Alex and me.  And I, being ignorant of Derby culture, would ask the other fathers things like “Is 2.7 seconds a good time?” and “Do you think the graphite spray on the wheels really helps that much?”  One father thought I was rubbing our success in; most realized I was an innocent neophyte.  Anyway, Alex won two of the next three heats.  Then they announced the winners.

An improbable finish

“In third place, Colby.  In second place, Alex.  And in first place, Dillon, who won by four one-hundredths of a second.” Wow, if only we had sprayed more graphite on the wheels, maybe we would have won. 

It didn’t matter.  Alex was a celebrity, and I was just glad that Alex’s “fast and fabulous race car”--winner of the now-coveted Funniest Car Award--had held together for the entire event.  Since then, my appreciation of the keys of the church has grown immeasurably.  Keep living!