Saturday, February 22, 2014

I Am Your Spam Filter

Today, I received two intriguing spams.  I’m not talking about ready-to-eat meats, but ready-to-read emails. It seems I get several servings of spam daily, and I’d like to change my diet.  Assuming you’d like to change yours as well, I offer myself as your handy-dandy spam filter for the two that caught my attention today.

1. Live for today

“Life is short. Have an affair.”  This email came complete with an alluring photo.  The message only makes sense to me if my moral compass has gone south or I haven’t developed a meaningful relationship with my wife. Here is my filtered version: 

Life is short. Express your love to your spouse today with words, a note, or a bowl of ice cream. Reverse your buts; for example, rather than, “I love you, but picking your nose is annoying,” think positively (and lovingly): ”Picking your nose is annoying, but I love you.”  Deepen the relationship; that gives life more meaning.

 2. Live for yourself

“Do something for yourself today.”  This one sounds perfectly okay.  And it is!  Yesterday, I dined at In-and-Out Burger®, and I did it just for me.  Hurrah for me!  I think there’s nothing wrong with doing something for myself as long as that is not my entire focus.  As your new spam filter, I’d like to give this idea another dimension. Here is my filtered version:

Do something for someone else today. That will expand your soul and open your heart, and that’s the same as doing something for yourself. And keep living!

The “Reverse your buts” idea was stolen from a talk I heard by John Bytheway.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

My Incredibly Easy and 100% Guaranteed Weight Loss and Health Plan

WARNING!  Known side effects of this plan’s implementation include a skyrocketing increase in your exuberance quotient that may result in passionate joy levels that exceed what is socially acceptable in polite company or even a rock concert.

Three steps to body peace

Yes, now you can pulverize your potbelly and enhance your health by following my 3-point crazy-simple plan based on moderation and horse sense.  This is not a multi-level marketing plan or any other religion. Most incredibly, it’s free!  All other plans and products created since the beginning of time to the present day will fail you because they do not include the one vital ingredient that will ensure your success—a lifestyle change

This is not a quick fix, but the only plan in the known universe that actually works and provides amazing, Nirvanic results. I have tested it on myself during the last several months and you can see from the photo below that the results have been outstanding.

Okay, okay, the photo is a dramatization, but even so, I feel like I wanna keep living. And I’ll bet you do, too, so let’s get started!

1. Keep tip-top with Trottier

The one single thing that will improve your immune system, increase your energy, and build your stamina is exercise…

-- Get back here and read the rest of this!  Don’t you dare walk away just because I used the E-word.  Now sit down and read –

…and, yes, exercise builds your energy levels; it just doesn’t feel like it when you’re on that treadmill. Studies show that exercise, more than anything else, pumps up your health and elongates your longevity. 

Ideally, you should put in an hour a day about 4-5 days a week.  But that’s not realistic, is it?  So commit to something you can do instead of whining about what you can’t do.  My minimum plan is 20 minutes aerobic and 20 minutes weight bearing 3 times a week.  Experts say, “Ya gotta go for at least 20 minutes.”  Even if walking is your exercise of choice, that’s better than sitting on your blubbery buns popping bon bons.

2. Eat like a pig, not like a hog

Studies show that pigs, unlike hogs, don’t eat as much as humans think they do.  In addition, pigs don’t smoke or do drugs, don’t consume alcohol, and seldom drink soda pop.  If you can’t give up the alcohol, just drink a glass a week to dissolve the carbon from the valves. As to soft drinks, even the diet stuff is not very good for you, plus it can make you burp.  I try to limit myself to a root beer or Dr. Pepper once in a while when it’s offered to me. The key to 6-pack abs is to get rid of the 6-packs. 

Choose fish and chicken over red meat on occasion.  Sugar is the back-stabbing Delilah of good health, so cut back.  Fruits and vegetables can be consumed in unlimited quantities without fear of producing tree trunk thighs.  Just reduce the amount of salad dressing and sauces and you’ll also reduce your pork belly. This Reduction Principle that I invented applies to most every food. 

For example, I am on a low-salt diet, but I allow myself a piece of bacon about an inch in length with my eggs.  By the way, keep the salt shaker in the cupboard or cut your perfunctory sprinklings in half. Don’t eat after dinner. And face the truth—a restaurant serving is really two servings. Ask for the doggy bag or do extra duty in the dojo.

The bottom line?  Reduce the amount you currently drink and eat.  Do what is sensible for you.  Don’t overdo the deprivation of delectable delights you normally devour; just reduce the quantity of delights you devour, and then devour them more deliberately.  Remember, this is a lifestyle change. 

If you’ve been particularly purposeful, reward yourself with some ice cream, but only half a dish.  Get it? And add some fruit to it and you have the Reduction Principle in full regalia.

3. A positive attitude brings body peace

Shun elevators. Take the stairs. Walk whenever you can and love it. The “love” part is the positive attitude part. Be active. Visualize all the good you are doing to your body with each bite of that wild Alaskan salmon and modest salad. 

Say to yourself, “I stand and stretch on the threshold of a new healthy lifestyle and sublime body peace!” So drink water. And most importantly, keep living!

Photo by