The
only time I remember talking back to an adult as a teenager was while coaching
a Little League baseball team. A parent twice as big as me, Mr. Gooch, was
riding the umpire, the boys, and me. I
finally marched to the backstop behind the catcher—stopping the game—and yelled
at the man, “Hey you! You wanna coach this team? Come over right now and take this cap.” I held out my manager's cap and pointed to the
dugout. “Come over right now and take
over. You’re the new coach!” He sat
down and became silent, swearing and profaning under his breath.
His
son was under such pressure to perform that he would tremble at games and make
stupid mistakes. My golly, can’t we let
the boys have some fun? I used to
think this was a male thing (Little League dads and soccer dads) until my daughter entered
dance and I met the dance mothers.
What are we
teaching our children?
Here’s
a tip I gleaned from author Dennis Prager: ask your children what they think
you most want them to be—happy, good, successful, or smart (1). I want my
children to choose “good.” Sometimes doing what is right does not lead to
immediately happiness, such as choosing not to cheat and suffering the “D”
grade. Mr Gooch stressed “successful.” He would try to bully the empire into
making a wrong call so his son could have a successful experience.
I’ve
conducted the Prager survey with many children.
Most think their parents want them to be happy or smart. If a parent
stresses “being smart” over goodness, then cheating becomes okay, even a
strategy. How many parents willingly intimidate teachers into giving grades their
child did not earn so that their child can have the appearance of being smart and successful, or “get ahead”? What does that teach the child?
A
friend recently told me that a child had been caught stealing from his school
several times and was taken to the principal’s office. Each time, the parents
threatened to sue the school for singling out their child and creating “undue
stress.” What does that teach the child?
In
many cases, we rescue our children from consequences that, if suffered, might
help them build character and better prepare them for the real world later.
Today, every child gets a trophy, whether they earned it or not. One long-time
educator told me, “We don’t have resilient kids because we don’t allow them to
fail.” Are we raising facades or good, moral human beings prepared for the
difficulties of life? As Neil Maxwell pointed out, “it’s easier to be a character than to have character” (2). Is character really
that important?
I’m
betting it is, which is why my wife and I do our darndest to stick to
agreements we make with our children and allow them the opportunity to
experience painful consequences, which are much less consequential now than the
harsher consequences of life will be when they are adults.
What would you
do?
Jim
Fay, parenting expert, tells the story of a boy who missed six days of school
in one term. Three were excused because the boy had forged his mother’s
signature. When his mother confronted him, the boy confessed and said, “You
can’t tell anyone, Mom, because if I miss five days, I’ll lose my grade, and
I’m an honor student. And you want me to be an honor student” (3).
What
would you do?
Let’s
ask ourselves this question: What do I
want most for my children—be good (build moral character), be happy, be smart,
or be successful? We want all four—that’s
a given—but which is most important to you? And then, we muster up our courage
and ask this one: What am I teaching my
children through my own actions and words?
Good luck and keep living!
P.S. Here's a picture of my son's Halloween costume which he described as "A soccer referee after dealing with parents and coaches at a little kids' soccer match."
P.S. Here's a picture of my son's Halloween costume which he described as "A soccer referee after dealing with parents and coaches at a little kids' soccer match."
References:
(3)
Developing Character in Teens - https://www.loveandlogic.com/
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